Crybaby Press

Wasabi

This kid will put down some California Rolls. Funny, she won't eat mashed potatoes and she hates cake, but a little bit of imitation crab meat and avocado wrapped up in seaweed is no problemo. As illustrated by this photo, however, she does not care for wasabi.

I'm so mean. I knew this was going to happen, obviously, and was standing right there with my camera. What a jerk I am. It's like the "Baby Eats a Lemon" segments on America's Funniest Home Videos. That trick never gets old.

I told her if she ate all the wasabi that came with my take-out , I'd buy her a new bike. She was going to do it, too, but I stopped her. But when I think about it now, that was even worse than offering her the wasabi in the first place. Poor kid.

Creation and The Five-Year-Old

Her: Hey Mama, I understand that God made people and all that, but, um, who made God? Because no one ever told me who God's mom is. Oh, and if God is the dad of all the people then who is the mom? Because you have to have a dad and a mom to make a person, right Mama? So then who were actually the very first people?

Me: Uhh...

Her: Well?

Me: I'm going to have to get back to you on that.

Her: Are you going to look it up on Google?

Me: Yup. Google.

Dude! I Should Totally Be a Professional Photographer!

What? I was just trying to take a photo of my friends on our trip to St. Augustine. Could I really help it that this person was in the background? It's not like I took this photo on purpose. And my friends certainly didn't know that this person was in the photo or anything. Nope. Had no idea.

An Observation About Underwear

Her: Mama, did you know that some people -like Grandma- actually do not wear very little underwear? Some people actually wear very BIG underwear.

Me: Is that a fact?

Her: Yes. That's a fact.

Me: Hmm. Interesting.

The Best Way To Mask Fear Is By Making Dumb Jokes

My brother Peg needs surgery on his ankle. He messed it up really badly a few weeks ago, and now he has to have it operated on this weekend. In our family, we mask worry, fear, sadness, and everything else with humor. Here’s a little bit of our conversation about it:

 

Me: Hey, while you’re passed out, I bet they're going to stretch your face around to make ugly faces and pig noses and stuff.

 

Peg: And make me slap myself. And they'll say, “Don’t hit yourself! Don’t hit yourself!”

 

Me: And make you pick your nose.

 

Peg: Yeah. Probably.

Stripe Throat

We have "stripe throat". Or had it. We're on antibiotics. Whatever.

That, on top of an ear infection, possible sinus infection, and wicked allergies. So, it's pretty much a big huge pile of wet Kleenex and sticky pink drool piles of leaked amoxicillin up in here, yo.

But we did see Horton Hears A Who. Go ahead, judge me for taking my germy ass kids to a public place. To which I would say: How the hell do you think they got "stripe throat" in the first place? What comes around goes around, you know what I'm saying? Or goes around comes around. However it goes. They're on antibiotics,for crying out loud.

But, uh, anyway, did anyone else think that big REO Speedwagon thing at the end of that movie was weird? "I Can't Fight This Feeling Anymore" was all they could come up with for the big finish? I mean, I'll belt that shit out if it comes on while I'm in the car, but come on. Gimme some Elton John. Some Phil Collins. Jack Johnson, he did a whole record. Hell, even Peabo Bryson had that one song in Aladdin...OK, forget it. It didn't seem very Dr. Suess-ish, is all I'm saying. Jeez.

They're Cloning Babies Out There, I Tell You!

The kid in the back row with the black shirt and helmet is Lele.

The kid in the front row with the white shirt and pink helmet is not.

Don't be fooled, that's an imposter.

Maybe a clone.

And I demand some answers.

I'm Trying To Be Self Reflective, But Is That Really Necessary?

You know how they say that the way your kids talk is a representation of how you do? That they're like little tape recorders, playing back what you say and how you say it?

Lele was sharpening a pencil over the trash can.

"Make sure you do that over the trash can," I said, for no good reason, because she already was.

"I AM!"

"And be careful. I don't want that all over the floor."

"I KNOW!"

"And hurry up, it's almost time to go."

"Mom! Do you think I can just snap my fingers and instantly make this pencil sharp?"

And then under her breath, "Dang!"

"Where did you hear that?" I asked.

And she goes, "Do I have to say it a hundred times? From you!"

So, yeah, I guess if that tape recorder thing is true, I'm what some people might call a little bit sassy. On top of being a nag.

Interesting. Who knew?

Backseat Confessions

Them: whisper, whisper, snicker, whisper

Me: What's going on back there?

Him: Lele got in trouble at Mimi's. (great-grandmother)

Me: She did? Lele, what happened?

Her: I got in trouble at Mimi's.

Me: Yeah, but what did you do?

Them: snicker, whisper, giggle, whisper

Him: She was not being lady-like.

Her: No! Don't say it! (covers face with arms and slumps down in carseat)

Me: Lele, come on, you can tell me. What did you do?

Her: I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT!

Me: It's OK, just tell me.

Him: She showed her butt.

Me: What?!

Her: No!

Him: Which is NOT lady-like.

Me: Lele!

Her: Fine! I wiggled my butt at her when I was getting my PJs on and she said it was not lady-like and I said "Blah, blah, blah!" and then she told me to walk back to Grandma's by myself. (about 50 yards away, on private property. totally safe.)

Me: So what did Grandma say when you got to her house?

Her: She said, "Let's feed the cat."

Me: (trying not to laugh) Never do that again.

Dear Future Me

I came across this thing where you can write a message to your future self. On the date you specify, your  message will be sent to you. Check it out at FutureMe.org.

It's like how some people seal their goals for the year in an envelope on New Years Eve and then open them up again the following New Years Eve. Incidentally, my big goals for 2008 were to: 1.) Get divorced. 2.) Keep up with folding my laundry. And I'm happy to report, that Goal 1 has been satisfied. Goal 2 was a stupid goal in the first place and I am thus far failing miserably. But I digress.

My letter will go something like this:

Dear Me,

Your hair is probably so gray by now! Ha! Right now you have to color it about once a month, but there isn't much gray in the front. I hope you're keeping up with it and that you aren't walking around like Stripe from the movie Gremlins. I'm sure you don't drink Diet Coke anymore because studies now are saying it's bad for you and blah, blah, blah. I'm drinking one right now. Or maybe they've discovered they are totally fine! That would be cool. The kids are probably so different and grown up! I'm busy cuddling them at every opportunity now so you don't have to worry that you didn't do it enough when they were little and would still let you. Lucky for you, the Hannah Montana phenomenon is probably long over with. I hope the kids are both doing well in school. I'm ass-busting every night to make sure that homework is done and that they take school seriously. I know that's important to you. Have you taken at least one kick ass vacation? Like to Hawaii or Europe or something? Please say you have. I have no idea where your career is headed right now, but I promise to take steps to ensure that you aren't doing something really sucky. Oh, and I hope you stopped doing that one thing. You know what I'm talking about. I will start taking better care of you so you don't look and feel like crap when you finally read this.

Love,

Me

Why I Should Have An Ejection Button At My Kitchen Table

So I just pointed out to my kid that he misspelled "museum" on his homework. Which, I might add, he was already reworking due to carelessness on his first attempt.

Me: "This is much better, but 'museum' isn't spelled correctly."

Him: "Yes it is."

Me: "No, it is m-u-s-e-u-m, not a-m."

Him: "Oh. Well, if you want to go get an eraser and change it, go ahead."

I'm sorry, what? EJECT!

The Rising Cost of Pizza

So, you may have heard recently that the Earth is starting to boil? You know, that thing about nature's fury headed our way and all that? Massive hurricanes, extreme drought, and devastating floods. Oh, and I'm sure someone has probably mentioned that one election coming up. Maybe the cost of gasoline or the housing market?  The job market and the recession? But did you hear about the pizza?

I heard on the radio yesterday that the cost of flour has increased 4-fold in 3 months. There are lots of reasons including a drought in Australia and the number of farmers who abandoned their wheat crop in exchange for corn (you know, because of that whole ethanol thing).  Of course, coupled with rising fuel costs and a tight economy, you can guess what that means for pizza. From what they said on the news, it's a dark time for pizza. And bagels. Bagels are in trouble too.

Oh, and evidently eggs are up 60%. Fruits and vegetables are up 20%. Milk  is up 30%. So, you know, there's something else for you to worry about- that whole "feeding the family" thing. Damn, like I'm not already busy worrying about getting laid off from work or the MRSA bacteria or the 25K I lost this year in home equity. I swear, if it weren't for my sunny disposition I would really be in trouble...

Chocolate Skittles: Now That's What I Call Genius

This guy in my office got these from the vending machine in our building.

Chocolate Skittles!

Are these effing ingenius or what? The flavors are: vanilla, caramel, smores, chocolate pudding and brownie batter. 

That's what I call out-of-the-box thinking. Seriously, why did it take so long for someone to come up with this? This is exactly how I felt about the Grab-N-Go Doritos that mix two flavors together in one bag. Or the Chicken Minis on the breakfast menu at Chik Fil A. Genius, pure genius.

That, my friends, is what we folks down here in the southern USA call innovation.

If I Had a Pull String

Yesterday my cousin posed an interesting question.

He asked, "If you were a doll and I pulled your string, what would be the three phrases that you would say?"

Meaning, what are some of the expressions that I always use or things that I often say? I'm not really sure what I actually say all the time. But, I feel  like the three phrases the Cortney doll would say are as follows:

1. You two better knock it off! I'm serious!

2. Dude, are you kidding me right now?

3. That's it! You're not getting cookies in your lunch!

Hmm. I guess I'm the "Yell at the Kids" doll. And I'm sure a very interesting marketing campaign could be built around this concept, don't you think?