Crybaby Press

Your Epidermis is Showing

My kids love to hear about what I was like when I was a kid. They love to hear about how I went to sleep-away camp when I was 10 and how I was once the Tomahawk Princess at a summer recreation program. They want to know how old I was when I first saw Goonies and if I was scared. They crack up when I tell them about booby traps I set for my brother and how I would mix up potions and trick him into drinking them.

I love it that they are interested, because as fun as it is for them to hear it, it's even more fun for me to recall it. Just the other day I taught them the old epidermis joke.

I was unloading the dishwasher, and as Lele was talking to me I interrupted, "Le! Oh no. Lele, your epidermis is showing!" I clasped my hand over my mouth snickered a little. Immediately she looked behind her to see if -I don't know- there was a rip in her drawers or something. 

"Huh?" she said.

"Dude! Your epidermis! Quick, run to the bathroom!" I teased.

"My what? Where?"

That old joke is still funny to this day. When I explained it to her, she tried it on everyone we know. I'm sure her teacher appreciated that. The epidermis joke is right up there with "Look under there! Under where?" They love that one too. 

It's fun to walk around quoting my favorite old movies to each other. Like when Lele gets out of the shower and I say in my best Johnny 5 (from Short Circuit) voice, "OOO, Stephanie! You change colors!" or when all three of us are dancing around singing "No Disassemble, no disassemble for me!" to the tune of "More than a Woman".

That's one of the cool things about being a parent. It's a second go-around at playing with PlayDoh Barbershop, LiteBrite and Mr. Potatohead. Watching Annie, Free to be You and Me and Snoopy, Come Home. Playing freeze tag, kickball and hide and seek. Just tonight as I type this I hear Eat it by Weird Al coming from the other room. 

It's a crap-shoot, though. I tried to get them to watch The Last Unicorn. Negative. The Game of Life? Boring. Strawberry Shortcake? Dumb. I'll tell you what, though, in a few years I'm going to force The Cure and The Smiths on them and they WILL LIKE IT, dammit! For now, I'll settle for playing Operation with Schoolhouse Rock! blaring in the background. Maybe I'll see what they think of The Go-Gos next.

The Evolution of Fighting: 2009

In the car, on the way home from piano lessons.

Him: Lele, you are making me extremely angry. Mom, I am making a very good choice not to hit her right now.

Her: I am feeling very angry too. Mom, I really feel like I want to hit him back.

Me: Everyone is making good choices not to hit right now...

Him: I am overflowing with anger. I feel anger in my whole body.

Her: I would love to take off this seat belt and tackle you right now.

Him: I wish I could punch you but I am making a good choice not to. Mom, I'm making an excellent choice not to punch her.

Her: Please do not talk about punching me. Mom, he's thinking about punching me so now I am thinking about kicking him.

And on and on and on. It's weird, really. I'm glad they've temporarily stopped wailing on each other, but this new kind of fighting is kind of creepy. I'm testing it out myself:

Me: I am making a very good choice not to scream at my computer right now. It is running slowly, but is an inanimate object and therefore my scream will have no effect. I feel as though I would like to aid it in colliding with the wall, however I am controlling my emotions. I am electing not to use high-volume expletives when addressing it it

Yeah, see, it's not working. I should take a lesson from the Stepford children in the back seat.

A Leisurely Float Down A River

I thought that maybe this year I'd try to be a little more "outdoorsy". You know, discover a new part of myself. Experience nature with the kids. That kind of thing. So my cousin Shane, who is actually quite outdoorsy himself, invited us on a canoe trip.

"It's so relaxing. You're going to love it, dude. It's a really easy trip, easy to do with the kids." he said. "Just a couple hours in nature."

5 hours, 8.5 miles, and one 7-foot alligator later, I was ready to kill him. And myself. And everyone in my general vicinity.

Yeah, turns out I'm not the "outdoorsy" type. Turns out that an 8.5 mile canoe trip actually is NOT relaxing. Turns out 8.5 miles is really far when you've never rowed a boat before and have now idea how to steer it. Turns out there really are massive, deadly, huge alligators in the waters of Florida. Actually, there are probably MORE horrible reptile/amphibian/insect creatures in the wilderness that I didn't see and don't even want to think about. Turns out I hate canoeing.

It was funny for the first mile. Ha, Ha, Ha, we keep ramming this boat into these rotting branches on the edges of this twisty, narrow river. Ooops! Bumper boats! Sorry about that. Ha, ha, a weird bug just fell out of that tree onto my arm. Ouch! That kind of hurt. No, I don't think it was a black widow, but yeah, it did have some red on it.  Want a TicTac? Oh look, a mile marker. We have to be almost halfway by now. What? We've gone only 2 miles? We have 6 more to go? Shit. OK, well lets keep going -crash, bam- Oops, sorry about that. Quick! Duck! There's a branch hanging down over here!

Yeah. Hilarious. Then at about mile 3, my cousin's wife says to me, "OK, now don't freak out. If you freak out, you're going to tip the boat. But, umm, THERE'S A HUGE ALLIGATOR RIGHT THERE!"

To which I reply, "What the f$@#ing hell! Are you mother f&$%ing kidding me right now? Oh God! Oh God! Oh God!"

To which she replies, "It's OK. Just stay calm and keep rowing."

Which in my mind translates to, "Shut the hell up before he comes over here and knocks over all three of these boats so he can kill all six of us one by one by tearing us apart at the bottom of this God-forsaken swamp!"

Yup. Relaxing, leisurely canoe trip...and only 5 more miles to go.

By the end of the trip, aside from being in near cardiac arrest from my heart rate being elevated to the fight or flight level for 5 straight hours, my shoulders were burning, my head was pounding, and my jeans and undies and daughter were soaking wet and freezing. Awesome.

In short, I did not like canoeing. The end.

Dog Armpits

Him (while molesting the dog's underarm area): Mom! Dogs are the opposite of humans. Humans do not have hair all over their bodies, but they do have hair on their armpits but dogs do have hair all over their bodies but do not have hair on their armpits! Mom! Did you know that?

Me: Huh. Well, you learn something new every day, don't you?